My Six Year Anniversary off Cigarette's and Nicotine! I am No Longer Phillip Morriss' Bitch!!

Along Monday of this week (November 11th) being a day to celebrate our Veterans and the freedom they provide us, this is a really special day of the year for me. This is the "luckiest" day of my life. Six years ago today, I quit my 30 year addiction to cigarettes and nicotine! 11/11/07 is the day I got another chance. I had COPD, beginning stage emphysema and when the doctors told me in a matter of fact, flat out tone, "I...t's not IF you will get the oxygen tank, its WHEN and HOW BIG WILL IT BE?!" I KNEW they weren't kidding!! They did not nag me or tell me how bad cigarettes were for me as I already knew--I just COULD NOT quit! I had tired EVERYTHING and more than once!! Funny thing, a brand new method had come out and it was called Chantix......no one had heard any negative side effects, no one had even heard of it, including my own doctor!! I went to the stop smoking clinic at Kaiswer medical center and began getting the psychological habits and issues under control and had started on the patch. I had to "fail" the patch which was not all that hard....I could always get down to the first step but when I went down in milligrams and to the second step--FORGET IT!! I SMOKED! After I failed, I went on Chantix (the anti-quit, non- nicotine replacement medication) and prayed to GOD it would work! I did everything to ensure the odds were gonna be stacked in my favor: I sought on-line support, I blogged for a solid year (I needed something to do with my hands instead of hold onto a cigarette) and followed other people's on-line journies (A special shout out to the following sites and people: Maggie's Mind, Brandie Collins, Antonio R. Howell and a 78 year old holocaust survivor who encouraged me DAILY and told me about his time in the death camps and having to relinquish his old ideas that a cigarette meant comfort-- just for a second, the smell of a cigarette would take away the smell of the burning bodies in the camps) so young lady, "If Chantix worked for me, it will work for you ..... just believe!!" Its funny how people are placed in your life for a reason....I thank God every day that I am no longer a slave to nicotine or Phillip Morris' bitch! If you want to quit, all things in life are possible!! Just do it! If you blow it again, pick another plan and try it again!

Over three years....but who is counting?

It has been awhile since I have posted...my goal starting this blog was to give me something to do with my hands when I quit smoking. I am beginning to think I should have never stopped blogging and I thinking about revising this blog and starting again...blogging is good for the soul.....anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that I still am smoke free and living life. I hope that is if anyone is thinking about quitting, they go ahead and do it. Its the best thing I ever did!

November 11th 2009--Two Years off Cigarettes!!

Man, a lot has changed since I last logged on to my blog.....first off my days off cigarettes counter link disappeared! Oh well, I can go update it later. It has been two years since I have smoked a cigarette...ok, I did try to smoke a flavored cigar once in that time period and I got sick to my stomach. I put it out and haven't looked back since! Don't get me wrong, I still think about a cigarette from time to time......when I get stressed, when I get happy, when I am bored but its just not worth it! I have saved a TON of money, smell better and do not have to try to sneak out and smoking because I am having a nicotine fit! If you are trying to quit, it is possible! I NEVER thought I would be able to do it. Thanks to Chantix, blogging and the supportive friends I made on this journey I feel truly blessed!

Peace,
Diva

Yes, I am Still Out Here....I Cannot Believe its Been Six Months Since I Have Posted!

Hey There Everyone!

Let me just say, I feel sooooooo disconnected from this blog! I logged on and was reading some blogs of people that I met when I was actively blogging and realized how disconnected I feel from blog land! I am more determined than ever to reformat this blog and start posting again! It was my goal last year but now that summer is coming, its time! I miss hearing from everyone and hope you guys are doing well.

For anyone still reading, I am still a non-smoker! I did have one slip up recently when I found one of those thinner flavored cigar type things that I had hidden in a drawer. I managed to convince myself that I wasn't really smoking and lit it up! Boy, it was disgusting! I was really scared that smoking the cigar was going to trigger a big smoking episode but it didn't. I took like five puffs, and was like, "Gross!" I called a few people to discuss the incident but have not picked up anything since. I still think about smoking a Marlboro from time to time but I know how hard it is to stay stopped so I just leave it at just a thought.

The school year is just about over and I am really exausted and burned out! I survived the year at a big school. Speaking of school, there were thousands of teachers out here in California "Pink-Slipped" and people are really afraid of losing their jobs. It is a scary economy and time. Our union members are voting for a one day solidatary work stoppage strike next week. The strike would be held on May 15th. I really feel like I need to stand with the people who are in serious danger of losing thier positions. I did not get a pink slip and feel grateful but know that if GM is talking about closing its plant for a few months, ANYTHING is possible!

I am still trying to get into work out mode and am thinking about registering for the Avon Breast Cancer walk. It is a two day walk and it would force me to train! One day you walk either 26 miles or 13.5 miles. They next day you walk another 13.5 miles. I know a few people who have done it and it seems like a great idea. I would train all during the summer and the actual walk would be in the middle of September. I would need to raise at least $1,800 dollars but think I am up to the challenge. We will see!

Lastly, this summer I did not apply for any academic fellowships and just plan on chilling! I am going to the Oregon Coast and Portland for two weeks and am not sure what else I have planned. I hope all is well with everyone!

Peace,
Diva

Happy New Year...Or Should I Say Happy Inaguration!

Hey all....I am still alive and still off cigarettes! Staying smoke-free is still a struggle at times! I was in Vegas recently and a couple times it seemed kind of tempting but I really do not want to go back to being a slave to big tobacco. I have also been off work and have not really had much to say out here in blog-land! I have kind of been being a bum so to speak! As a teacher, I work non-stop and then when I do get my three weeks off for winter break, I just feel like relaxing. I did that for three weeks and now it is back to "real life."

Now that the party is OVER I figured it was finally time to post something! My first goal for the year is to update my blog...we will see. I have been wanting to do it since last summer and have not managed to get around to doing it! Can you say "Procrastination?" I can, its the story of my life! Sometimes I am totally on top of things and other times.....forget it!

Anyway, I went back to work this week after having three weeks off and boy was it hard! I am not used to waking up so early. Neither were my students so all of us were brain-dead! Also, I am at a new school and I am still totally not used to the schedule or how things happen. We have "final week" in three weeks so that is definitely a change! The school is really different for me! I went from teaching at a really small high school of 75 students 4 teachers, 1 principal, 1 office manager and 2 teachers assistance to a huge comprehensive high school that has 3,200 students, 20 administrators and over 200 teachers!! I cannot even figure out how many support staff members are on campus! In some ways its good and in some ways it sucks! I am just grateful to have a job as the California state budget is not looking too good and even in the schools, it is looking like a lot of people will lose their jobs.

I am excited that Obama is taking office next week and am hoping for positive change, especially in the economy. It just keeps getting scarier and scarier! I mean, all of these companies going bankrupt....I keep seeing more and more people losing their jobs. Circuit City seems to be one of the next getting ready to liquidate a lot of their store inventories. I will be happy to see a new regime in the White House and am hoping for things to get better for all. What are you guys more looking forward to in the future??

Peace,
Fierce Diva

I Miss Blogging! Final Hot for the Holidays Weight Loss Post

Hey There!
I cannot believe that I have not posted anything since my year anniversary off cigarettes! Amazingly enough, I still do not smoke cigarettes and even though I think about them, I know that if I actually light up, I do not know if or when I will be able to quit again. I always try to remember that I am "A puff away from a pack a day habit" and I really do not want to go back to being a slave to Nicotine or should I say Nico-demon! When I went to the doctor's the other day he told me they were getting a ton of reports about Chantix side effects and all I can say is I am glad it worked so well for me. I am glad that I was able to take it and have it successfully assist me in my quit! Blogging helped quite a bit also. Support is always nice.

I really miss blogging but have been too busy to even post anything. Also, since I am working two jobs, I am feeling too lazy! I guess I really am an all or nothing kind of girl as I either really blog, work out, eat right, quit smoking or I don't. I have been kind of so-so with my eating plan but really wanted to post since its the end of the Hot for the Holidays contest. I also felt bad after a couple people were kind enough to e-mail me, and ask exactly where the hell I was. I figured I should at least check in.

First, I want to send a shout out to Christie O. over at "Baby Tea Leaves" Blog. She so rocks for hosting the Hot for the Holidays Contest. It is a really motivating experience to know even if I screw up for the week, someone else is going to motivate me to get on task for the next week. I do not know how much I have lost since the beginning of the "Hot for the Holidays" contest, but I do know that I have lost a total of 20 pounds since August 16, 2008. This week I lost two pounds which put me at 20 pound mark instead of 18! For whatever reason, I just like the sound of a solid 20 better!

Even thought my diet and exercise program is FAR from perfect, I have made significant changes that I can pretty much stick with. I STILL pack my lunch daily and do not eat a ton of junk! I have had only one meal in the school cafeteria and that was out of desperation! I try to avoid junk foods for the most part and have cut certain foods out of my diet completely or eat them really rarely. Soda is like a once a month treat! I could not go back to eating the way I was and when I have eaten a couple of really bad meals or I ate too much, I got very sick! My body just cannot process food the way it used to! That could be considered a good or a bad thing. For example, I went to Magianno's for Thanksgiving dinner and basically stuffed myself! The food there is AMAZING and it was "All you can eat." Lets just say I got SUPER sick and just because "All you can eat" is offered does not mean I need to take the restaurant up on it! I need to be able to see at least half my plate and then see the food on it! I do not think I will eat like that again any time soon. Anyway, thanks for all of the motivation Christie and fellow bloggers! I am not going to go nuts now that the contest is over...in fact my plan is to SCHEDULE more exercise into my week! I see these two women I work with walking around the school every morning like clockwork and the are literally MELTING away....since September they have lost a ton of weight and their determination has motivated me! I see them walking for probably a half hour EVERY morning no matter what the weather and the results speak for themselves! I have taken it as far as I can go with dietary change! I really need to commit to more exercise!

Anyway, for all of you who have been participating in this challenge, keep up the good work and congratulations to everyone on their losses.

Peace,
Fierce Diva

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Hey all! I actually made it...a year and one day off cigarettes! I have REALLY wanted one the last couple of days but I keep telling my head, "Thanks for sharing.....it will pass!" I kept remembering the pick of the lady smoking through her neck and pulled it up. It reminds me of the insanity of nicotine addiction! I have kind of resigned myself to the idea that I will probably always think of smoking but I don't have to light one up! I know how sneaky that evil drug Nicotine is....its always waiting for a trigger or a weak moment. Blogging has helped me as much as the Chantix has. I will have to keep posting. I decided to post the picture of the gross smoking neck more for myself than to shock others! Every time I want a cigarette I always think about this! If you are thinking about quitting, it really is worth it! Most of the time, I really do not miss this horrible habit!

Peace,
Diva

This Time the Revolution WILL be Televised!

Lets just say gay folks and people who believe in equal rights for all Americans in California have taken it to the streets....literally! Lots of people are pissed about the religious right paying millions of dollars to pass Proposition 8 in California which outlaws gay marriage. I must say, I knew it was gonna be on when the farm animal bill passed that gave chickens the right to a certain amount of space in a cage and the rights of gays to marry were taken away in the very same election! Many people are outraged and not just gay folk. The day a chicken gets more rights than me is the day its time to stand up and organize. Washington here we come!

Peace,

Diva

One Year Off Cigarettes Tomorrow Nomember 11, 2009!

When I began the process of quittubg smoking in September of last year, I never thought I would make it 30 days let alone a year! It was a rough start with lots of slippage and then I moved from the Nicotine Ptch to Chantix as my primary method of getting off cigarettes once and for all! Between lots of on-line support, (Thanks fellow bloggers!) a quit smoking program with a great facillitator, taking the drug Chantix and utilizing the on-line suggestions, I will have made it a year off Nicotine tomorrow! Talk about a miracle! I was as strung out and stung can be on Nicotine and STILL think about lighting up from time to time. Talk about an powerful drug!! When I start craving a smoke I use the suggestions I learned early on: I just delay the act of smoking, do something else or drink a glass of water and wait the feelings do pass....they do eventually! I have saved thousands of dollars and my health is a lot better! Yeah, I still miss the instant gratification of stuffing my feelings with a cigarette but I know that I made the best decision of my life when I got willing to do what it took to stay off Nicotine. I know that I am a "puff away from a pack a day" so I know if I pick up I might as well start lighting my money on fire and throwing it out the window! Not to mention that my body does not handle second-hand smoke well at all these days! I am the one who used to think that the idea of non-smokers were suffering from my second-hand smoke was government propaganda not to be believed! I was a smoker who wanted my right to smoke whereever and whenever I so choose to do it! Boy have my opinions changed! Don't get me wrong, I do not think smokers should be treated as social lepers but I do think that going outside to smoke is much better for all concerned!

Recently, I went out with some smokers to the protest to overturn Proposition 8 and there were a ton of people smoking...the second-hand smoke got me kind of sick! (Yep, tobacco companies LOVE to target minority communites...hence the high level of gay people who smoke...right up there with Asians! ) I later went and saw a band lay at a club in Hollywood and I watched the the guitar player as he was smoking onstage and playing at the same time and was wondering how cool did he think he was? It was a small club and the air quality was already bad! I am glad I am over thinking that cigarettes are cool! Some people still buy into the "cool" image but how cool is he going to look hooked up to an oxygen tank? Go figure!

To celebrate, I took the day off today since I have tomorrow off and am going to go to the casino to gamble a little bit! I have not been in at least three months! Maybe I will get lucky! Wish me luck! Gotta run and get ready! I think I will go play the slots in the non-smoking section....what a novel concept huh? Thanks for all of the support everyone and if you are thinking about quitting, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made!

Peace,
Diva

Election Day! Vote Obama!

I will be going to the polls today with tons of other Americans! I am hoping Obama becomes our new President and that Proposition 8 here in California does NOT pass! I want to live in a country where Civil Rights are guaranteed for all! We will see what happens! People have a right to choose and vote how they want. I mean, after all, it IS a free country. Hopefully common sense will prevail! Lets all go to the polls and exercise our freedoms as Americans.

Peace,
Diva

Fat Ticker Friday! Happy Halloween!

Hey All!

Well, I have indulged in too many sweet treats and gained a pound! I am not going to change my weight tracker unless the pound is still on when I weigh in next Friday! If I am still up a pound I will change my weight tracker to fifteen pounds lost. Call it denial, but I do not think I ate THAT much candy! I have eaten a bit more processed foods than usual so sodium could be at work here. A week of "detox" meaning no added sodium and healthy moderate carb should bring m back to where I need to be. All in all, I must say that the damage could be worse! Hope everyone did better than me and actually LOST instead of gained! Hope everyone is having a wonderful Halloween!

Peace,
Diva

PS: In eleven days, on November 11th I will have a year off cigarettes! Amazing huh?

Cameo Catch Up Blog Post!

Hey all,
I have had a bit of the stomach flu that has been going around so I have not really feeling too well or like posting much....for that reason I am labeling today is cameo catch up day!

First, I cannot believe that I have not lost any weight! I mean, having the stomach flu should have SOME benefits, but nope, apparently not for me! I am still at a 16 pound loss but in the last couple weeks, no loss, no gain! I guess I cannot complain. I have not done all that much in terms of meeting my weight loss goals so I can't really complain....but I am complaining! Oh well, there is always next week! The one thing I need to remember is when I work really hard on something, I achieve. When I half step and half ass, I accomplish very little! What a novel concept huh? Do something, get something! Do nothing, get nothing! I was more in the latter than the former so I guess I shouldn't be too upset! Besides, there is always next week!

The smoking thing was really hard a couple days this week. I wanted one so much I could taste it so I went back to my "quit class" to check in! I will have a year off the crap on November 11 and I really want to make it! It was cool to go check in...my facilitator was glad to see me and asked me to share with the class! Seeing people struggle hard to get a day off nicotine make me realize that delaying smoking a cigarette is way better than actually smoking one! I have not craved a cigarette in quite some time. Lets just say whenever I am under the weather, I want to smoke cigarettes and think about menthol's quit a bit! I don't really understand why it happens! Before I quit smoking, I would always crave getting high. I don't act on the feelings but they come up every time I am sick or rundown! I am feeling a lot better today fortunately.

Gotta run and catch up on some paperwork but first I am going back to bed for fifteen minutes!

Peace,
Diva

Fit Ticker Friday--Couldn't Weigh In

I have had a crazy week and could not get to a scale. Back to School Night, tutoring at the group home and a ton of other things I won't go into. I will get to a scale ASAP. If I had to gage my progress by the way my clothing fits, I would say no loss, not gain. Hope everyone kicked ass and rocked this week!
Peace,
Diva

11 MONTHS OFF CIGARETTES TODAY! WHAT A MIRACLE!!!

I cannot believe that its been eleven months off cigarettes! Go Chantix and fellow bloggers and blogging! I never would have imaged it...eleven months off of that crap Nocodemon! Nicotine is an addictive substance that it had me strung out for thirty years! I am really grateful to be off of it; one day at a time. I just need to remember that I am a puff away from a pack a day and if I pick up I never know when I will be able to put them down. Kinda like those Wheat Thin Crackers I picked up from the store last week! I am done eating them now an do not plan on buying another box anytime soon!

For those of you who have ever read my blog, the number eleven is super symbolic of change in my life and has been ever since I woke up out of the fog of drugs back in 1987! Nmber eleven has been sending me messages for a long time! Since this is the eleventh month of my quit, I am feeling nostalgic!! Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to hitting a year on my actual quit date (11/11/09) but I am going to reminise a bit today because I am in the 1th month and yeah, eleven is special to me!

Today when I woke up as well as last night, I am wondering what new direction my life is headed. This time last year was one of the WORST times in my life....really! I would never have chosen to quit smoking during such a stressful period....it was just time! During these last eleven months, I have been pushed to do things I never thought I would do! Because of this I have a true belief in a higher power, all I could think was that I was being directed to someplace in life that I was not sure of. All I could do was keep the faith and just deal with the experience. Believe me, it wasn't easy!

Right when I first started trying to I quit smoking , I knew I could not stay at my job any longer and kick tailed it into high gear to get another one. The Los Angeles Unified School District (LAUSD) was talking about cutting positions while I was busy trying to find one! Then, when I was busy looking for a new job, there was a hiring freeze and I couldn't get a new job or even a transfer to save my life! It ended up working out. I got a new job when the freeze ended which was one day before school started! This experience was super stressful because there were pending legal issues along with the job stuff. At his point, I realized that waiting for change to happen is often more stressful than the actual change! I am so glad that that part of my life is on the right track.

Even thought last year was filled with nothing but change or "Reinvention" as I like to call it, I did some things I never really expected to do. I had to privilege and honor to study under professor Skip Gates at Harvard University. That experience had a very profound effect on my life and taught me to never sell myself short and I can do ANYTHING I want to do! I am following up on my plans for move into a different area of education, most likely social philanthropy. There are so many great programs for people who want to make a difference and change the world! That would be me. I never planned on staying a classroom teacher until I retired even thought I think it is a noble career. I am currently shopping graduate school programs and I will let you guys know what I find! There are a ton of fellowship opportunities and I learned that if you do not apply, you can not get accepted or denied!

Another huge change for me was this summer I went to a "Fitcamp" and was trained by Isabeau Miller from the "Biggest Loser" I wanted to train with someone who KNOWS how hard it is to change your life when it comes to weight loss and exercise and had dealt with the struggle aspect personally. I have had trainers who were pretty much athletes their entire life and I think they have a really hard time understanding the mindset of obesity. I wanted to work with someone who was not physically "perfect" but doing everything that could be done to change the physical as well as emotional self and knows that every day is a challenge and a choice! I got the privilege to work out and train with a ton of amazing people who wanted more for themselves and their lives! The power of having eight or ten people with the same mindset is a really powerful thing! Jimmy Moore and his wife Christine who run a blog called Livin' La Vida Low Carb videotaped the entire journey of all of the fitcamp attendees and posted the videos on Youtube. It was a hard but necessary two weeks for everyone and I learned so much that I cannot even explain how it changed me! I would love to see more people be able to have this experience and a career in philanthropy would allow me to focus on seeing these types of programs get funding. I love that Jimmy provided scholarships for people who really wanted to make changes in their lives. That is the kind of stuff I hope to be able to do one day!

Anyway, while all of these changes were occurring, (there were a TON more I just won't bore you with them) I kept plugging along, reading other people's blogs like Maggie, Mamaflo, Lynda and Brandie and Stan. I would read blogs, post blogs and just not light up. Even when I wanted to smoke with my entire being, I just didn't or I would just delay it until I no longer wanted one. Its funny, when I first started blogging with these people, I seemingly had nothing really in common with them except that we all were trying to quit smoking! We were all different people from different regions....or so I though! Stan and I actually live in the same state, same valley and go to many of the same places (although not together!) The girls I blog with have families and different lifestyles but we are like a little community....and I have to say thank you guys for being so supportive! There are others too that I have met in the last eleven months of this journey....if I did not mention you personally, sorry! (Some of you have blogs in other places, private blogs or different circumstances) just know I really appreciate all the people who have been there for me during my quit!

Gotta run, I am off to celebrate with a mani/pedi!

Diva

Fat Ticker Friday--Fell off the Fitness Wagon!

Hey All You Hot for the Holiday Folks:
Well, this was not a good week on the weight loss front. The two pounds I lost I put right back on! I may have gained more, who knows. This little slip up make me remember a couple of really important things this week. They are as follows:
1.) First, I need to always remember to pack my food for the day. This Tuesday I was running late and I did not pack my lunch, no water, nothing! I ultimately ended up in the school cafeteria. Yep, the food is HORRIBLE! (Since I eat small meals or snacks frequently throughout the day, by the time lunch hit I was starving!) I ended up eating macaroni and cheese which was served with garlic toast! Talk about carb overload! It was all downhill from there. Too many processed carbs for me makes me feel sluggish and rundown. Unfortunately, even though too many carbs (especially processed carbs and/or white sugar/flour) make me feel bad, once I start eating them, my body starts to crave more. Once I got started it was REALLY hard to stop putting them in my body! Today (Friday) was the first day I am back to a more normalized diet. Since I do not eat white flour anymore, I think that the white bread and regular macaroni I ate had a profoundly addictive effect on my body. Maybe its my imagination but I swear I was craving carbs like I was on drugs! I mean, I even ate a whole box of wheat thins! Fortunately for me I had purchased the smaller box!

2.) Bad eating is like smoking one cigarette... Once bad eating or smoking or whatever starts, its super easy to say "F*C^ It" and keep going! What started out with one bad meal lasted three days and I am still not totally sure if I am done! (Just being honest!) I will have it all out of my system by Sunday for sure!

3.) I make a daily choice to do what I need to do as opposed to what I want to do. I know that if I keep doing what I am doing I will keep getting what I am getting......and that can be good OR bad! When I eat properly and work out, I lose weight. When I eat poorly I feel badly and gain weight. Life is about choices and this week I made some really bad ones!

4.) I alone can choose to change my circumstances. Next week I will make sure I am up early enough to pack a lunch and go to the store to buy groceries. If I do not buy processed foods like Wheat Thins, I will not have them to eat! By the way for those of you like me who at one time believed that Wheat Thins were "healthy," According to many nutritional articles, "Wheat Thins are made from wheat, which is a grain but in reality what started off as a whole grain in the end the product doesn’t even resemble its former self. Wheat thins are enriched, contain high-fructose corn syrup, oils, and artificial additives. Also, there’s hardly any fiber, so they are digested quickly and will definitely spike your sugar levels." This is what happened to me and I think caused a carb load induced eating binge! Lets just say I did not stick with the recommended serving size of 13 crackers!

I hope everyone did well this week.

Peace,
Diva

It Looks Just as Stupid When You Do It.....or I Do It!

These are some of the pictures from a folder I was given today from the TUPE (Tobacco Usage and Prevention) coordinator... if he only knew! The folder was decorated with lots of smoking animals and truthfully, I did feel kind of silly thinking about a cigarette after looking at it! I am close to 11 months off of that crap and need to keep it that way! Thought I would pass it along! As a former smoker for over THIRTY YEARS, its kind of embarrassing to think I once thought that smoking cigarettes looked cool!  

Peace,
Diva

Hot For The Holidays...Friday Weigh In

Well, its time to get one of those weight loss tickers. I am down a total of 16 pounds since August 15th when I began this journey. I'm not sure exactly how many weeks that is but I am almost positive its seven. This week I lost between 1.5 and 2 lbs. I weighed myself late so I am posting now. I am glad I am seeing some progress as I didn't lose anything last week. Last week I was happy not to have gained, this week I wanted to see some fruits of my labor. My new goal is to be at a minimum of a 20 pound weight loss total by the end of the month. This seems like a realistic goal. Truthfully , a 25 pound loss would be great but I am setting my goal at a minimum five pounds loss by Halloween. I hope everyone participating is doing well.
Peace,
Diva

Wordless Wednesday--Fitness Rocks!

Craving a Smoke and Other Bits of Madness....

I don't know why but I am craving a cigarette something fierce today and was yesterday too. I mean, come on....we all know they put additives and a ton of other junk intere already but I have been off of them for quite awhile now. I think I just need to remember all of the junk they stick in there.... Yesterday another teacher was in my classroom as he had left some stuff behind and was taking it out of the storage closet. I was kind of surprised when he asked me if I smoked. I told him, "No, I quit last year." He said he quit also but he happened to have some leftover cigs in with his belongings. We then got into a discussion on why we both made the decision to quit. I happened to catch a glimpse of the Marlboro Lights box and was thinking to myself, "Damn, those sure look good!" I have been craving one since yesterday. I know the feeling will pass....it always does. Besides, I am coming up on 11 months on the 11th so I am in the homestretch of making it a year. I want to keep going on this journey of being a non-smoker so I am using one of the tools I have learned and that is writing about it. Besides, looking at the picture I selected to illustrate this blog brings it all back! The Nicodemon is always going to tell me "one would be nice." I just have to think happy thoughts and do something else and eventually the craving will pass.

Its funny, I really do not see myself as a smoker anymore even though I am craving a cigarette. I got together with some friends a couple weeks ago and we went to an NA meeting and they were puffing away. I could notice how nasty it smelled and that they had brown spots on their teeth! They were cool and surprised that I quit and tried to move away when they lit up. They are just getting clean again so I know why lighting up is important to them. I was the same way when I got clean. Now, I am just glad I have managed to stay off cigarettes so long, one day at a time. I have saved around $1,400 and smell A LOT better! A big shout out goes out to MammaFlo for reaching her year smoke free! MammaFlo started on Chantix about six weeks prior to me and she made it over a year off cigs and is holding strong. I know if all these other people can do it, I can too! Ok, I feel better already just knowing the feeling and desire to smoke will pass! I wish I waited for the Chinese food craving to pass last night! I was dying for some fried rice and I did go get some. It was good but I could definitely taste the "fried" component. I have not eaten any kind of fried food in months. I will be back to the preferred eating plan tomorrow. Gotta run.
Peace,
Diva

Wanting Greatness.....

I finally figured out what my problem is....I just can't settle for being average or for mediocrity. I can deal with it in others but in myself, hell no! Don't get me wrong, I did not always strive for excellence in life. For a long time I was happy to be the worst at whatever I was doing, It was really easy to settle for being a total Fuck-up (The first 22 years of my life was far from great...I took a ton of pride in being one of the worst drug addicts and general screw-ups you would ever want to meet. Most people wrote me off as incorrigible and predicted incarceration. I was a gifted underachiever or so the story goes) Truthfully, I never thought I would live to see 25 or I would probably started this whole health regime when I was a lot younger.

When I got clean, I never wanted to strive for total greatness and in fact, being considered "OK" was fine by me! I always thought people who worked too hard were not very swift! I mean I could show up, half step and make no real commitment and still get by. My whole mentality was do the least possible and hope no one was bright enough to be paying too much attention.My whole mentality was that work was for other people and not for me. I always managed to find a way to do exactly what I set out to do which was not expend too much time or energy on much of anything productive. When I did get interested in something and expend even a quarter of the energy that most people did, I would excel in a very real and almost scary way! Even when I was loaded, I was in a journalism program at a local community college and excelled to a level in that program that I found extremely frightening. I excelled to the point of greatness when all I was trying to do was blend in and be "average".

I have no idea what pushed me to be so ambitious or how "average" became totally unacceptable to me. I am not being disrespectful to those who consider themselves "OK." I kind of wish I was more able to be "OK" instead of striving to be better all the time. I am really envious of people who can just do their job, go home when the day is over and show back up the next day. They do an "OK" or even a "good" job when they are there and don't think too much about responsibilities when they leave. I want to be more like that! At least that's how I feel today....tomorrow I may change my mind on the whole discussion. I am doing the "Hot for trhe Holidays" contest along with some other bloggers and have had to deal with levels of just doing "OK" and its driving me nuts! Maybe its not just all about weight loss....maybe its also about acceptance and allowing myself to be doing an "average" amount of work towards reaching my fitness goals. More will be revealed.

Peace,

Diva