Being Sick Sucks...Not Smoking Makes it Better!

Hi all you quitters!

I have been sick since Tuesday but managed to drag myself to work both Tuesday and Wednesday. My poor students! I work at a really small school with about 60 students and some of these kids have me for different classes all day long! I have been no prize, believe me! Finally the kids told me I should stay home! I work with at-risk youth that a lot of people are scared of but actually they can be really sweet or really horrible. Most of the time they are just sweet kids in big bodies with foul mouths! Lets just say there is never a dull moment! Normally I am really picky about what sub to call because if they don't like someone they can be far from sweet. Some subs are kind of quirky to say the least and have no idea how to deal with what they perceived as "thugs." The lady that was with them yesterday was one of the quirky ones who would have NEVER agreed to come to my school site but just sort of ended up there. She wrote me a note saying she had a really good day and the kids were nicer to her than the ones she usually gets in traditional school. I was really happy to get a nice report and not to get hate mail when I returned today.

I only went to work Wednesday because my office manager is leaving for another job and I felt like I needed to go to her farewell luncheon. Unfortunately, when I get sick I have no appetite or only eat stuff like Popsicles or soup! The staff took her to this amazing little cafe that had what look like delicious Risotto with jumbo prawns and what also looked like some really good seafood pasta. I couldn't even eat! I ended up getting some frozen Italian Ice when I left because my throat was all swelled up. Its funny, I tried to take a bite of my friends food and I couldn't even taste it! It looked good but when your food tastes like nothing, why bother? I wonder how I could even really smell or taste food all these years as a smoker? Even if I was sick as hell, (bronchitis, sinus infection, whatever it was I would still smoke!) Forget eating...but giving up smoking, even while sick was something I just never did. I would tell myself that I was soothing my throat by alternating menthol cigarettes with regular ones. Also, if I was sick and sleeping, I was obviously cutting down. Denial is a wonderful thing. It makes being addicted seem like no big deal. I am definitely an addict! I am one puff away from a pack a day just like most smokers. I am just glad that I have had no real urges since I have been sick. I would say I am between a 3-4 on the Quit meter. That feels better than the usually 5.

Today I went to a really long meeting and just did my best to stay awake. I went back to work for about a half hour before I went to the doctor and it was all good. My usual sub was there and my students were actually working! They were being all sweet and asking if I was going to feel good enough to come to work Monday. They were telling me, "We miss you, please come back soon." I love teaching at a continuation school but I have been thinking about leaving my school site to teach in juvenile hall or a camp so I felt really guilty because they were being so nice. Right before I got sick I was working on the application but did not feel good enough to complete it and get it in by the due date which was yesterday. Sometimes I forget how good I have it and other days I want new challenges.

My doctor seemed happy to hear that I am still off cigarettes. I am the first person he has given Chantix to. (You can only get a waiver through Kaiser if you have "failed" via another method.) I discussed the side effect problem I am having and we discussed it and he thinks I should try to stay on it for another month. I think I have dealt with the side effect for one month so one more won't kill me.

By the way, HOW LONG HAVE MOST OF YOU GUYS STAYED ON CHANTIX FOR? ENQUIRING MINDS WANNA KNOW?

Peace,

Diva

I am sick....I think the second hand smoke did it

As I mentioned in my last post, I had a great weekend. I went out and had a great time and did not smoke but I think that the second hand smoke in the casino did a number on my lungs. I feel like I am coming down with a major cold or the flu. My chest is tight and I don't want to take asthma medicine because there can be side effects with Chantix. The thought of being around smoking makes me sick to my stomach! I came home from work and passed out I felt so awful. I slept for a few hours and woke up and watched Nip/Tuck and Shot of Love with Tila Tequila. I just took some NyQuil and am off to bed. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Lets see, its been over two weeks since I have smoked and now that I feel this bad just from the second hand poison I inhaled, I realize that I really made the right decision to quit. If I can feel this bad from second hand smoke, I can just imagine what I was doing to my body on a daily basis. I go to my stop smoking program tomorrow. I hope everyone enrolled has had a lot of success since we did meet last week. I hope everyone is doing well in their journey also.
Peace,
Diva

I Was Out of Town and did not smoke...

I have not posted because it was a long weekend and I decided to go out and have some fun. I actually had to call in sick because I had too much fun. I went to Roserito Beach in Mexico and also to the Pachanga Casino near San Diego. I cannot believe I went to the casino and to Mexico and did not smoke! Amazing!

Three friends and I went to go to the beach in Mexico to eat lobster. We got fifteen 1/2 tails which would be a little over 7 lobsters, the squid appetizer...I forgot the name....oh yeah, calamari; soup, and chips with fresh salsa and guacamole. The dinner also came with all the rice, beans and homemade tortillas you could eat. We also got 4 margaritas (mine was virgin) and 4 shots of tequila. (I skipped that too.) The meal came to $45.00 with everything! The lobster was pretty amazing. I was with my ex and to not want to smoke was a miracle!

The bigger surprise was going to the casino and being able to gamble and not smoke since they usually go hand in hand. Don't get me wrong, I got plenty of second-hand smoke but did not light up. At one point I thought about bumming one just because it seemed like a good idea, but I was sitting next to someone who was smoking enough for three people and somehow I just lost the urge. Go figure! I am not complaining believe me! It was a great relaxing weekend and I realized that I can have fun and not smoke cigarettes. I think that that I had a bad reaction from the second hand smoke at the casino. I seem to be having problems with my athsma and I have not had to use an athsma pump in a really long time.
Peace,
Diva

FANTASY THINKING AT 13 DAYS.....

Lets see...I begain Chanitx on November 1, 2007. It have not smoked since November 11, 2007 which would be like thirteen days being off cigarettes. I just had to get honest about my feelings today. I am feeling TONS of unrealistic expectations about how things should be all of thirteen days later.

First of all, let me just say that having unrealistic expectations does not make them true. In my mind, I should be feeling wonderful and have no cravings. I should be out running miles on the treadmill and preparing to participate in a Tri-ath-alon. I should weight forty pounds less and have suffered no health consequences. In essence, I will feel like I never smoked. YEAH RIGHT!!! After smoking for thirty years, I think there are going to be some after-effects even after putting them down. I am going to want to sit down and "relax" by smoking. Just because I want to do it does not mean I have to. Like Maggie said, "I can be free as long as I let myself be. " That statement alone made me realize I was in fantasy-land thinking and I needed to get out of it quick!

I just re-read that last paragraph and laughed at how funny and ridiculous my thinking is. I realize that I live in a world where most people (especially myself) wants instant gratification. Like I want it now! I just need to get over it and realize that I am feeling how I am feeling and just because I think I should feel a certain way two weeks later doesn't mean its going to happen. My dad used to tell me good things are worth waiting for. I know that that statement is true. I have noticed a lot of people who are posting and have been on this path way longer than me still think about smoking. It just makes me realize that quitting is something that is not going to come easy and I am going to have to work for. I am going to a club tonite and I will not smoke. I have worked too hard to get where I am. I hope everyone who is on this same path is doing well.
Peace,
Diva

COLORS, MORE COLOR, PORTRAITS AND SUCH...

I was seeing colors like this....
Bright, bold and really interesting. I could almost see into the images. The colors and images were so vivid...kind of like an acid trip!


These are more of the type of tattoo I am interested in getting. The one of the little boy is beautiful.

This is a picture of Kat Von D. I was dreaming that I was getting a tattoo on the reality show LA INK.

Thanksgiving and I finally had a vivid Chantix Dream

Hey there fellow quitters!

Thanksgiving was great...I ate lots of good food and did not smoke a cigarette afterwards. I am so used to going into the garage to smoke and kick it with people at my cousins house....it was different but fine.

I FINALLY had a Chanitx dream! I have been dying to have a really intense dream as a side effect but I seemed to get is stomach distress! I did get a couple of compliments about my skin since I quit smoking and people have mentioned that I also lost weight. (Again, stomach distress and eating ice cream when I am lactoise intolerant) Back to the dream....I have been talking about wanting a tattoo which is kind of odd considering I have never gotten one and most of my friends and a lot of people in my family have tattoos. I really love tattoos but on other people not on me. I remember my uncle wearing long sleeves in the heat to cover a huge black panther but seeing someone try to practice tattooing was what really did me in. When I was younger I had a boyfriend who was practicing to be a tattoo artist. I watched him do some horrible work while he was in his practice mode. He used to offer to give me a tattoo and I was like, "No thanks...I'm only sixteen and my dad will kill me!" Even at my most stoned, I could not imagine walking around with something on my body that I wouldn't want to put up on a wall.

A few years later, I stumbled into a shop on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood and they were like, "Honey, you need to go home and get some rest." Tattoos and alcohol do not mix!" They guy added," One day you will thank me for this!" Actually I do because I was picking out a skulls head that I wanted on my arm! Go figure! It may have been a cool design at eighteen when I was into the whole goth and rock n' roll music thing but at forty I don't really think so!

I have been thinking that I want a portrait tattoo of my dad on my shoulder. I have some great pics of my dad and I miss him a lot since he passed away. I have been watching LA INK and I love Kat Von D's work. (Actually I am a reality tv show junkie but that is a whole other blog!) She does such realistic and life-like portaits that are amazing. I will post a couple of tattoo pics and a picture of Kat for those who have never seen the show. Anyway, I had dreams of being in the LA INK tattoo studio and seeing colorful visions of various tattoos. It was a really cool experience. I could see the colors so vividly I did not want to wake up! I guess that was my Thanksgiving present!
Peace,
Diva

HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL...

I wish all of you fellow quitters a fantastic, easy and smokeless turkey day. Today is a day people set aside to show gratitude. I have come so far and accomplished many things in life and for that I am truly grateful. Although this is a really hard habit to kick, I am glad I am putting in the effort. I will just be happy when I feel like a complete non-smoker and the cravings leave me. I still get the urge to light up and need to remind myself that I had to get USED to smoking cigarettes and it was not something I was born doing. Looking back to the first cigarette I ever smoked, I thought it was the most disgusting thing in the world and could not imagine why people paid money to do it! I know if I keep doing what I am doing and I continue to not pick up when the urge comes, one day there will be no more urges! I would have to say compared to when I first started trying to quit on October , 2007, the cravings have been cut down significantly. It is getting better....slowly not quickly but still a huge improvement over when I first started.

I am grateful to be going to see family to feast on a delicious meal. I am going to my cousins house with my sister. A lot of people there will be smoking and my sister and I are in the process of quitting. My cousin who quit over a year ago said she would be moral support if people standing around outside starting looking good. Hope everyone has a fantastic day.
Peace,
Diva