Craving a Smoke and Other Bits of Madness....

I don't know why but I am craving a cigarette something fierce today and was yesterday too. I mean, come on....we all know they put additives and a ton of other junk intere already but I have been off of them for quite awhile now. I think I just need to remember all of the junk they stick in there.... Yesterday another teacher was in my classroom as he had left some stuff behind and was taking it out of the storage closet. I was kind of surprised when he asked me if I smoked. I told him, "No, I quit last year." He said he quit also but he happened to have some leftover cigs in with his belongings. We then got into a discussion on why we both made the decision to quit. I happened to catch a glimpse of the Marlboro Lights box and was thinking to myself, "Damn, those sure look good!" I have been craving one since yesterday. I know the feeling will pass....it always does. Besides, I am coming up on 11 months on the 11th so I am in the homestretch of making it a year. I want to keep going on this journey of being a non-smoker so I am using one of the tools I have learned and that is writing about it. Besides, looking at the picture I selected to illustrate this blog brings it all back! The Nicodemon is always going to tell me "one would be nice." I just have to think happy thoughts and do something else and eventually the craving will pass.

Its funny, I really do not see myself as a smoker anymore even though I am craving a cigarette. I got together with some friends a couple weeks ago and we went to an NA meeting and they were puffing away. I could notice how nasty it smelled and that they had brown spots on their teeth! They were cool and surprised that I quit and tried to move away when they lit up. They are just getting clean again so I know why lighting up is important to them. I was the same way when I got clean. Now, I am just glad I have managed to stay off cigarettes so long, one day at a time. I have saved around $1,400 and smell A LOT better! A big shout out goes out to MammaFlo for reaching her year smoke free! MammaFlo started on Chantix about six weeks prior to me and she made it over a year off cigs and is holding strong. I know if all these other people can do it, I can too! Ok, I feel better already just knowing the feeling and desire to smoke will pass! I wish I waited for the Chinese food craving to pass last night! I was dying for some fried rice and I did go get some. It was good but I could definitely taste the "fried" component. I have not eaten any kind of fried food in months. I will be back to the preferred eating plan tomorrow. Gotta run.
Peace,
Diva

Feeling Under the Weather...Allergies SUCK!

I have been feeling really under the weather the last week or so. The weather out here changed from mid-temperature where you could wear pants to super hot and humid! I feel like I am in the south or back east. I feel awful and need to get some rest but my body is really achy and my nose is either totally congested or dried up from the allergy medication. I guess I will survive for Open House which is tomorrow night at my school. Today I really wish I was married so I had someone to take care of me and feed me chicken soup. For whatever reason a menthol cigarette has sounded really good today but I just tell my head, "thanks for the suggestion" and keep on doing what I need to do. Thank God for blogging and Chantix!
Peace,
Diva

Wanted to Smoke but Just Couldn't Bring Myself to do it! I am in my Fifth Month of Being a Non-Smoker!

Hi all,
I have had a really stressful couple of weeks and have really wanted to smoke; in fact I wanted to smoke so bad I was basically giving myself permission to "just smoke one." Well, we all know where that usually leads to...at least for me its a pack a day habit. The last couple of days has been really challenging to say the least! A lot of personal stuff I would rather not be too open about but definetly uncomfortable emotions. The other day, I found a whole cigarette on the kitchen counter, picked it up, smelled it and thought "That boy would a cigarette be relaxing right now." I quickly threw it in the trash because I was actually thinking about lighting it! Not a good idea at all. This weekend, I was at a friends house visiting (since I have a week off work I decided to go chill somewhere else and maybe go hang out at the casino she lives by.) My friend went to work and I walked out onto her balcony. I saw a bunch of Marlboro menthol "butts" that a friend of hers had smoked on her patio. My friend does not smoke so I was really shocked to see them sitting there. Well, I moved closer and took a wiff...they did not really smell all that good and I walked back inside. I didn't think too much about the incident until later that day when I was driving to the Pachanga Resort to do a little gambling.

My number one rule about gambling is I never go to the casino unless I have money I can afford to lose. I usually go and gamble every three months or so. I had the money but in all honesty should have really been spending it on other things...like a new refrigerator, but I was bored and looking for some excitement. I was doing really good for the first couple hours and I was up a couple hundred dollars! I should have gotten up and left then, but I was feeling greedy and thought the machine was going to hit so I stayed. Needless to say, the refrigerator will not be paid for out of my gambling winnings to say the least!

When I first walked into the casino, the smell of cigarettes really grossed me out. I told myself if I really had to have one, I could bum one but the smell was so overpowering and gross, I did not want to bum one! When I was sitting next to a smoker, the first wiff may have smelled good for a second or two, then it was nasty as usual! The point I am getting to is I am into my fifth month of being off cigarettes and nicotine! I STILL get the urge to smoke thinking it will fix me or make how I am feeling seem a bit better. Every time I have been in a situation where I have been feeling week and just about give myself permission to smoke, I choose not to. I think deep down inside I like being a non-smoker WAY better than I liked being a smoker. I think I will always encounter rough patches of wanting to smoke due to programming! My biggest trigger and when I really seriously consider breaking down and having one is when I am really stressed out. I want to sit down and light a cigarette and have that magic Ahhhhhhh feeling take me away from my problem or issue for just five minutes or so. What I have learned from all of you and my own personal experience is that if I can avoid and delay that cigarette for five to ten minutes that I won't want it anymore. I know it sounds crazy but I just need to develop other types of "escapes" that do not involve inhaling poison and drugs. The escape probably should have little to do with eating as I am gaining weight which makes me think I should take up smoking again. I know I really don't want to do that...I mean really now, its called eating better and exercising not going outside sucking in poison! That is the lazy way out and its not very intelligent either. I think I am going to schedule a massage this week. My sister gave me a gift certificate for it and I have not used it yet. I think that would be a good way to relax that is not chemical induced. I feel better now that I have posted my inner fight with picking up a cancer stick again. I know it is probably going to be a battle I struggle with the rest of my life. I guess if I do it just one day at a time it will be a manageable battle to fight.
Peace,
Diva

PS: Anyway, thanks for listening and letting me be honest about how I am feeling.

Catching Up on My Blogging....Stress Sucks!

Hi there all.....
I just gone done catching up on all of the blogs I used to read daily. I miss you guys and my support system and figured I better post! I have been craving cigarettes like mad! Sometimes my best thinking is not the way to do things.... I had been on Chantix for four months so I figured that when the prescription ran out, I would not fill it. I figured that I was on it a month longer than most people so I would be fine if I just stopped taking it. Bad decision! I was cranky and irritable because it is the most stressful time of the year for me and I have a lot of things to do. After four days of being one very unhappy camper, I called my doctor and told him I thought I should taper off slowly and he agreed. (My students probably would have agreed too if you would have asked them. I refilled the prescription and he told me to either take a full dose every other day or go down to one pill a day. I am taking one pill a day and my anxiety and stress level is way better and fortunately, I did not smoke even though I was really tempted. I DO NOT want to be a pack a day smoker and spend a lot of money on killing myself and smelling bad! I am finalizing my historical research project that I will present at the beginning of April and am finishing my resume, cover letters and other paperwork I will need to send out during spring break. The budget for California just came out and a lot of teachers are probably going to be laid off on March 15. The economy is going crazy out here and a lot of people are losing their jobs along with their homes. I hope all is well everyone and I continue to look at fellow bloggers posts when I feel good or when I feel bad! I like being a non-smoker 90% of the time and want to keep it like that!
Holla back all!
Peace,
Diva

STRESS SUCKS! CRAVING BIG TIME!!!

Hey all....
I am under tremendous stress...illness, identy theft, work stuff, living with a smoker, looking for a place to live, conference call backs, scheduling the videotaping of oral histories for a historical conference...need I say more? I think I am just overwhelmed! I do not mean to be negative, but my cravings have kicked into FULL gear! My roomate told me she was going to a hooka lounge tonite and my brain really went there. My brain kept telling me stuff like, "smoking flavored tobacco in hooka isn't really smoking, its not a cigarette, etc. I am using all of the techniques to not light up and have not! I am still taking the Chantix as prescribed. I am going to my cousins house and she is a non-smoker! I think I need a massage or something! Anyway, just thought I would post quickly. I am praying for the cravings to leave me! If you all have any suggests, give a holler!
Peace,
Diva