I have had a really stressful couple of weeks and have really wanted to smoke; in fact I wanted to smoke so bad I was basically giving myself permission to "just smoke one." Well, we all know where that usually leads to...at least for me its a pack a day habit. The last couple of days has been really challenging to say the least! A lot of personal stuff I would rather not be too open about but definetly uncomfortable emotions. The other day, I found a whole cigarette on the kitchen counter, picked it up, smelled it and thought "That boy would a cigarette be relaxing right now." I quickly threw it in the trash because I was actually thinking about lighting it! Not a good idea at all. This weekend, I was at a friends house visiting (since I have a week off work I decided to go chill somewhere else and maybe go hang out at the casino she lives by.) My friend went to work and I walked out onto her balcony. I saw a bunch of Marlboro menthol "butts" that a friend of hers had smoked on her patio. My friend does not smoke so I was really shocked to see them sitting there. Well, I moved closer and took a wiff...they did not really smell all that good and I walked back inside. I didn't think too much about the incident until later that day when I was driving to the Pachanga Resort to do a little gambling.
My number one rule about gambling is I never go to the casino unless I have money I can afford to lose. I usually go and gamble every three months or so. I had the money but in all honesty should have really been spending it on other things...like a new refrigerator, but I was bored and looking for some excitement. I was doing really good for the first couple hours and I was up a couple hundred dollars! I should have gotten up and left then, but I was feeling greedy and thought the machine was going to hit so I stayed. Needless to say, the refrigerator will not be paid for out of my gambling winnings to say the least!
When I first walked into the casino, the smell of cigarettes really grossed me out. I told myself if I really had to have one, I could bum one but the smell was so overpowering and gross, I did not want to bum one! When I was sitting next to a smoker, the first wiff may have smelled good for a second or two, then it was nasty as usual! The point I am getting to is I am into my fifth month of being off cigarettes and nicotine! I STILL get the urge to smoke thinking it will fix me or make how I am feeling seem a bit better. Every time I have been in a situation where I have been feeling week and just about give myself permission to smoke, I choose not to. I think deep down inside I like being a non-smoker WAY better than I liked being a smoker. I think I will always encounter rough patches of wanting to smoke due to programming! My biggest trigger and when I really seriously consider breaking down and having one is when I am really stressed out. I want to sit down and light a cigarette and have that magic Ahhhhhhh feeling take me away from my problem or issue for just five minutes or so. What I have learned from all of you and my own personal experience is that if I can avoid and delay that cigarette for five to ten minutes that I won't want it anymore. I know it sounds crazy but I just need to develop other types of "escapes" that do not involve inhaling poison and drugs. The escape probably should have little to do with eating as I am gaining weight which makes me think I should take up smoking again. I know I really don't want to do that...I mean really now, its called eating better and exercising not going outside sucking in poison! That is the lazy way out and its not very intelligent either. I think I am going to schedule a massage this week. My sister gave me a gift certificate for it and I have not used it yet. I think that would be a good way to relax that is not chemical induced. I feel better now that I have posted my inner fight with picking up a cancer stick again. I know it is probably going to be a battle I struggle with the rest of my life. I guess if I do it just one day at a time it will be a manageable battle to fight.
PS: Anyway, thanks for listening and letting me be honest about how I am feeling.