Hi all,
I have had a really stressful couple of weeks and have really wanted to smoke; in fact I wanted to smoke so bad I was basically giving myself permission to "just smoke one." Well, we all know where that usually leads to...at least for me its a pack a day habit. The last couple of days has been really challenging to say the least! A lot of personal stuff I would rather not be too open about but definetly uncomfortable emotions. The other day, I found a whole cigarette on the kitchen counter, picked it up, smelled it and thought "That boy would a cigarette be relaxing right now." I quickly threw it in the trash because I was actually thinking about lighting it! Not a good idea at all. This weekend, I was at a friends house visiting (since I have a week off work I decided to go chill somewhere else and maybe go hang out at the casino she lives by.) My friend went to work and I walked out onto her balcony. I saw a bunch of Marlboro menthol "butts" that a friend of hers had smoked on her patio. My friend does not smoke so I was really shocked to see them sitting there. Well, I moved closer and took a wiff...they did not really smell all that good and I walked back inside. I didn't think too much about the incident until later that day when I was driving to the Pachanga Resort to do a little gambling.
My number one rule about gambling is I never go to the casino unless I have money I can afford to lose. I usually go and gamble every three months or so. I had the money but in all honesty should have really been spending it on other things...like a new refrigerator, but I was bored and looking for some excitement. I was doing really good for the first couple hours and I was up a couple hundred dollars! I should have gotten up and left then, but I was feeling greedy and thought the machine was going to hit so I stayed. Needless to say, the refrigerator will not be paid for out of my gambling winnings to say the least!
When I first walked into the casino, the smell of cigarettes really grossed me out. I told myself if I really had to have one, I could bum one but the smell was so overpowering and gross, I did not want to bum one! When I was sitting next to a smoker, the first wiff may have smelled good for a second or two, then it was nasty as usual! The point I am getting to is I am into my fifth month of being off cigarettes and nicotine! I STILL get the urge to smoke thinking it will fix me or make how I am feeling seem a bit better. Every time I have been in a situation where I have been feeling week and just about give myself permission to smoke, I choose not to. I think deep down inside I like being a non-smoker WAY better than I liked being a smoker. I think I will always encounter rough patches of wanting to smoke due to programming! My biggest trigger and when I really seriously consider breaking down and having one is when I am really stressed out. I want to sit down and light a cigarette and have that magic Ahhhhhhh feeling take me away from my problem or issue for just five minutes or so. What I have learned from all of you and my own personal experience is that if I can avoid and delay that cigarette for five to ten minutes that I won't want it anymore. I know it sounds crazy but I just need to develop other types of "escapes" that do not involve inhaling poison and drugs. The escape probably should have little to do with eating as I am gaining weight which makes me think I should take up smoking again. I know I really don't want to do that...I mean really now, its called eating better and exercising not going outside sucking in poison! That is the lazy way out and its not very intelligent either. I think I am going to schedule a massage this week. My sister gave me a gift certificate for it and I have not used it yet. I think that would be a good way to relax that is not chemical induced. I feel better now that I have posted my inner fight with picking up a cancer stick again. I know it is probably going to be a battle I struggle with the rest of my life. I guess if I do it just one day at a time it will be a manageable battle to fight.
Peace,
Diva
PS: Anyway, thanks for listening and letting me be honest about how I am feeling.
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5 comments:
Diva, I've been thinking about it too recently, I don't know if it's the New Grandma stuff (and you'd think that would keep me away from wanting those icky sticks) or spring, or what but I've thought about them a good amount.
I've also wanted to take a trip to Vegas in late April for our anniversary but have shyed away from making the commitment because I don't know how I will do with the whole "I don't smoke" thing. When I've been around it thus far, I've done surprisingly well but Vegas is well, Vegas and all temptations are stronger in Vegas.
I'm glad you kept yourself on the straight and narrow and didn't light up. Sounds like you don't need any additional stress.
Good for you for staying so strong! I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time lately, but you're doing tremendously well not breaking down. Keep in there, and just remember, it's NEVER worth it!
I hear you! I'm at 9 months (today, actually, just realized it), and it still occurs to me. It's definitely fewer and further between that the thoughts come, but I'm convinced it could be a good while before it goes entirely away, if it ever does. I do think that each time we come through a rough patch like that without lighting up, we are that much stronger going forward, and you are already a strong woman as it is.
You continue to inspire me. Keep doing your thing and telling us about it.
I haven't taken my Chantix in 4 or 5 days and noticed an increase in cravings. Neither one of us caved and that only makes us stronger!
One more day and then you get some time to breathe - you deserve it!
Diva, this is the first time I have commented on your blog (since it's so colorful I can't have the screen up at work so I never get a chance to get caught up on your stuff)...anyway I know exactly what you mean. it's like...can we be done with this already or not? I am only at 69 days...so i have some catching up to do to be as far along as you. I too find it very hard at times. sometimes I think that I am just a smoker fighting all the time not to smoke. i miss it a lot. but recently i have had some really tough times...and I have not smoked. which i really really wanted to.
i try and remind myself it's just my hedonistic part of my brain always trying to be sneaky and trick me into smoking.
I think I have put on about 10 lbs also. I don't much care for that aspect, but I'm working out most days...I can't bring myself to diet yet. Who wants to be fat? Well, I've learned, smokers don't, and usually aren't. Ex smokers don't, and sometimes put on some weight. One thing at a time though!
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