Craving a Smoke and Other Bits of Madness....

I don't know why but I am craving a cigarette something fierce today and was yesterday too. I mean, come on....we all know they put additives and a ton of other junk intere already but I have been off of them for quite awhile now. I think I just need to remember all of the junk they stick in there.... Yesterday another teacher was in my classroom as he had left some stuff behind and was taking it out of the storage closet. I was kind of surprised when he asked me if I smoked. I told him, "No, I quit last year." He said he quit also but he happened to have some leftover cigs in with his belongings. We then got into a discussion on why we both made the decision to quit. I happened to catch a glimpse of the Marlboro Lights box and was thinking to myself, "Damn, those sure look good!" I have been craving one since yesterday. I know the feeling will pass....it always does. Besides, I am coming up on 11 months on the 11th so I am in the homestretch of making it a year. I want to keep going on this journey of being a non-smoker so I am using one of the tools I have learned and that is writing about it. Besides, looking at the picture I selected to illustrate this blog brings it all back! The Nicodemon is always going to tell me "one would be nice." I just have to think happy thoughts and do something else and eventually the craving will pass.

Its funny, I really do not see myself as a smoker anymore even though I am craving a cigarette. I got together with some friends a couple weeks ago and we went to an NA meeting and they were puffing away. I could notice how nasty it smelled and that they had brown spots on their teeth! They were cool and surprised that I quit and tried to move away when they lit up. They are just getting clean again so I know why lighting up is important to them. I was the same way when I got clean. Now, I am just glad I have managed to stay off cigarettes so long, one day at a time. I have saved around $1,400 and smell A LOT better! A big shout out goes out to MammaFlo for reaching her year smoke free! MammaFlo started on Chantix about six weeks prior to me and she made it over a year off cigs and is holding strong. I know if all these other people can do it, I can too! Ok, I feel better already just knowing the feeling and desire to smoke will pass! I wish I waited for the Chinese food craving to pass last night! I was dying for some fried rice and I did go get some. It was good but I could definitely taste the "fried" component. I have not eaten any kind of fried food in months. I will be back to the preferred eating plan tomorrow. Gotta run.
Peace,
Diva

Wanting Greatness.....

I finally figured out what my problem is....I just can't settle for being average or for mediocrity. I can deal with it in others but in myself, hell no! Don't get me wrong, I did not always strive for excellence in life. For a long time I was happy to be the worst at whatever I was doing, It was really easy to settle for being a total Fuck-up (The first 22 years of my life was far from great...I took a ton of pride in being one of the worst drug addicts and general screw-ups you would ever want to meet. Most people wrote me off as incorrigible and predicted incarceration. I was a gifted underachiever or so the story goes) Truthfully, I never thought I would live to see 25 or I would probably started this whole health regime when I was a lot younger.

When I got clean, I never wanted to strive for total greatness and in fact, being considered "OK" was fine by me! I always thought people who worked too hard were not very swift! I mean I could show up, half step and make no real commitment and still get by. My whole mentality was do the least possible and hope no one was bright enough to be paying too much attention.My whole mentality was that work was for other people and not for me. I always managed to find a way to do exactly what I set out to do which was not expend too much time or energy on much of anything productive. When I did get interested in something and expend even a quarter of the energy that most people did, I would excel in a very real and almost scary way! Even when I was loaded, I was in a journalism program at a local community college and excelled to a level in that program that I found extremely frightening. I excelled to the point of greatness when all I was trying to do was blend in and be "average".

I have no idea what pushed me to be so ambitious or how "average" became totally unacceptable to me. I am not being disrespectful to those who consider themselves "OK." I kind of wish I was more able to be "OK" instead of striving to be better all the time. I am really envious of people who can just do their job, go home when the day is over and show back up the next day. They do an "OK" or even a "good" job when they are there and don't think too much about responsibilities when they leave. I want to be more like that! At least that's how I feel today....tomorrow I may change my mind on the whole discussion. I am doing the "Hot for trhe Holidays" contest along with some other bloggers and have had to deal with levels of just doing "OK" and its driving me nuts! Maybe its not just all about weight loss....maybe its also about acceptance and allowing myself to be doing an "average" amount of work towards reaching my fitness goals. More will be revealed.

Peace,

Diva

Fat Ticker Friday...Too Much Change! Stop the Roller Coaster, I Want to Get Off!!

Just a quick check in.....since I went to Fitcamp (August 15--30 2008) I have lost a total of 15 pounds! I lost three more pounds and am finally back in a full size smaller clothing! I had a half a closet full of clothes that I could not fit into and it was really a wake up call to have to go buy clothes in a bigger size because I could not fit into anything that was in my closet! This is a quality problem and I am happy with the results, I just wish it wasn't so much work! It is so easy to gain a pound and so hard to take one off.....kind of like its easy to spend money but not that easy to get it! Again, these are quality problems but any change is still a tad bit stressful and I do not deal with stress well at all! I have anxiety attacks and then get asthma so I have to watch my stress levels!

Maybe I am just tired! I am working like crazy at the new school site and its a lot of hard work! I wake up at 5:30 AM and don't get home until usually 6:00 PM. There is so much to learn I just can't keep up! It seems as if EVERYTHING in my life is changing....I know it is necessary but again, its a lot of work. I don't mind working hard but I have been teaching for over ten years and I feel like I am brand new! I know I will get it and I think its just sometimes its uncomfortable when you need to change everything! I didn't really plan on dealing with a new job, a new way of eating, preparing food differently, the huge learning curve of things I need to learn like yesterday. Tomorrow I need to go to a training and grade a ton of papers! I know this is a challenging period and I will get through it. Right now I just feel like I am drowning and need a life jacket. Maybe I am just exhausted and I need to take a break! I am glad that I am going to a nice catered wedding reception after the training I have tomorrow.

Gotta Run. I miss everyone and hope all is going well with my fellow bloggers! As for smoking, it occurred to me to light up and then I was like, "Why?" I will have a year off cigarettes on November 11th, 2008 and I really want to make my year! I can always have my misery refunded if I want that lifestyle back. I went and checked in with my smoking therapist and she was so happy to see me back she had me give the newbies a pep talk! Who would have thought?

Peace,

Diva

Wassup? I Do Not Think All Christians are Crazy....Just the Ones Posting Like They are Trying to Start A Cult!

After avoiding my own blog for a couple of days because some crazy people (OK, one) who feels the need to post their opinions over and over and try to force their beliefs on others, I just got really annoyed! Some people give Christianity a bad name.  Most "real" Christians, Jews, Buddhists, AA members or whatever do not feel the need to recruit people to their religion and figure if people are interested in their beliefs, they will ask! Its called attraction rather than promotion! I am pretty much a live and let live kind of person but since I have been bombarded with comments about AA and being told that Alcoholic Anonymous is of the devil, I am going to hell etc,. I have decided that I think that some people are just bored and feel the need to force their belief systems on others. They should try talking to people who are actually interested and have expressed interest in their organization!  While I have been a member of a Twelve Step Program for over twenty years, I am not on here  trying to recruit new members. If people are interested, they will ask. Its not my job to promote AA and I don't care one way or another if someone wants to be a part of the program or not.  Now if someone expresses interest, I am more than willing to discuss my experience with the organization.  All I have to say is if I don't ask you for spiritual assistance, don't feel the need to save me! I am doing just fine......really! 

To the people who read my blog who are Christian, I am in no way being disrespectful to the religion. I am just saying that I think that people who call themselves "Christians" and do nothing but post over and over and on people's blogs who are OBVIOUSLY not interested should follow some basic principals of respect. In my opinion, people who feel the need to "force" their belief system on others in person or posting on the net are just obsessive compulsive and are missing the point of spiritual programs. This is America and one of the things that makes this country great is there is no mandated religion.  I say live and let live.  I am a grown up who is capable of deciding if I want organized religion in my life. If I were searching for a spiritual program or organized religion,  I would be so turned off by some of the judgemental posts I have received that I would never consider Christianity as a way to better my life, in fact, I would see it as the enemy! 

On a happier note, I am working like crazy at my new job, getting a lot of training and working on my eating and exercise program.  My pants are starting to get really baggy which is a good thing! I miss everyone and am bummed I don't have much time to blog or post! I will weigh myself this week! 

Peace,

Diva

TEN MONTHS OFF CIGARETTES AND A QUICK UPDATE ON ME!

Hi there....it has been a crazy couple weeks! As most of you know, my life is going through a ton of changes. I started a new job, have been trying to eat better which requires planning and shopping and I have been working on getting to the gym! Lets just say I need a better organizational system because I feel like hamster on a wheel and I really want to get off! I know there is a price for reinvention but I need to figure out a better sense of balance and an easier way to do it all. I believe in working smarter, not harder but lately its been the exact opposite! My gym time needs to be increased and the organizing and cleaning of the new classroom has bound to be finished.....well, it will be eventually! They keep bringing more stuff into the room and I have no real place to put it! Its pretty well known that when a classroom becomes "empty" people scavenge whatever they happen to need; chairs, desks, bookcases etc. I have spent WAY too much time trying to get this and that. I will be going in this weekend to work and then hopefully it will not look like a bomb went off inside the room! I need to put up bulletin boards and stuff also.

Anyway, it is September 11th and while that day is a day full of tragedy and sorrow, it is a good day for me today. It symbolizes ten months off of cigarettes and all nicotine products,,,,,,no chew, SNUS, gum, patches NADA! It is still hard some days but I have some great support here in blogger land and I am more committed than ever to not pick up again! It really does get easier and oh my God, the money I have saved is really amazing! It was like I was setting $20.00 bills on fire and throwing them out the window! I am off to work but for those who are trying to quit or struggling to stay quit, its really the best gift you can ever give yourself and your family.
Peace,
Diva

AND YET MORE REINVENTION! I STARTED MY NEW JOB TODAY!

Man, the

 changes just keep coming! I asked for a reinvention but this is ridiculous! I have been interviewing for different teaching positions for quite a few months but due to budget cuts and hiring freezes, it has been close to impossible to get another position. I had put in for a transfer and it was already approved and they had no where to send me so the school district I work for assigned me to a sub pool! Oh what fun!  Being a sub is not exactly a party! Just when I accepted that that was where I was going, the district called me when I was in Tennessee and told me to report back to my previous school. I really had no idea what was up and then I got a call about the school I really wanted! I got it....just in time I might add; school starts tomorrow! 

A few months ago, I was discussing a job offer for a school that I really wanted but didn't get....well, this is the school I ended up getting hired at. Its WAY closer to my house and with gas prices being what they are, thats a good thing!  Originally, this school thought I was "too creative" to teach the scripted program that they were hiring for.  They thought that because I wouldn't really have to think, I would want to get creative! I had to convince them that after working for five years in a program where I had like five preps and was always having to revamp what I was doing, not having to think too hard sounded pretty damn good! Unfortunatly, thee people who interviewed me found it really hard to believe. I finally figured that it was a done deal and had resigned myself to just going wherever I ended up.  I just turned it over so to speak and was just willing to do the footwork and go where I ended up.  Since I was in Tennessee, I had no real power or desire to hustle jobs! Funny thing is, another position became available at the school that originally thought I was too creative.  We were going back and forth discussing if the position was going to be a good fit when I was training in Tennessee.  Well, it finally happened! I got the job and started today! My classroom looks a wreck and I am clueless about a lot of things but I am really excited! This is a new challenge that I am scared about but know its a necessary evil.

I am going to be crazy busy planning, decorating and packing healthy lunches.  If I don't post for awhile, you guys know what's up. Also, I pulled a muscle and have felt better.  Well, happy school days and wish me luck! I will probably need it! 

Peace,

Diva

I'm Back and 12 Pounds Lighter...I Survived Fitcamp!

Hey all,
Just a quick post before I go grocery shopping.....gotta get rid of the really unhealthy food and go shopping for what is on my eating plan. The regular salt stuff has definitely gotta go! For those interested, in the final weigh in, I lost 12 pounds total and a ton of inches!! I was really happy and plan to continue this journey towards overall better health. I will continue to keep a food journal and I was surprised that they have really good ones online! After being FORCED to do a food journal everyday, I am now in the habit and it really keeps me accountable for what I put in my mouth. The numbers don't lie! Its amazing how many calories I could consume simply "grazing" or "taking a bite or two" of something!

I am a bit tired as I got in late last night but it feels great to be home. I strained my left side a bit during the last couple days of camp but dragging a heavy piece of luggage through the airport really did me in! I am going to make a chiropractor appointment for this week and take today as a rest day.

I missed my cat and at first she was furious with me and now she is being a sweet girl. Siamese cats are like that...they will hold a grudge if ya piss em off! Time to get in the shower and go grocery shopping.
Peace,
Diva