TUGGINGS, TUGGINGS AND MORE TUGGINGS!

I really want to smoke today..the tuggings as Maggie calls them have been calling my name. I am going through a lot of emotional stuff and it is really easy to stuff your feelings with cigarettes. I don't WANT to smoke but I do want to feel that AHHHHHHHH feeling from the hit of the nicotine. I want to stuff what I am feeling down but I know that even if I do smoke the Chantix will not let me feel that AHHHHHHH feeling so I have not lit up! I am going to go and get something to eat and breathe in some fresh air. Lets see, the four D's..... Delay, Do something else, Drink water/fluids and I forgot the last one. I am going to get off this computer and go do something else and drink/eat something. Hopefully, that will take care of it. Just in case I took my second dose of Chantix early tonite.
Peace,
Diva

Stressed out and Sick...but Still Not Smoking!

I am finally starting to be able to talk and sound somewhat recognizable to people! I am still sick and it is starting to get me stressed out! I have been in bed for God only knows how. I hope I am well enough to go back to work Monday. I feel like I am going to OD on Dayquil, cough medicine and decognestant. I guess I'm going to live.
Peace,
Diva

25 days off Nicotne! Whoooo Hooooo ! Oh and Lets Have a Menthol!

I cannot believe that the days are just adding up! I have been on Chantix over a month and have 25 smoke and nicotine free days! Amazing! What is more amazing though is my head which should be called RADIO K-FUCK! My mind keeps telling me, "A menthol cigarette would taste SO good, it would help your throat etc." Yes and little children and animals should smoke too right?

I had to tell my head, "Shut the hell up, thanks and have a nice day....I don't smoke!" Fortunatly, my craving and desire is really low so it was easy to do. I hope my cravings continue to deminish all the way to ONE on the quitmeter. Right now I am like a 2-3. I hope all is well with others trying to quit. It is the hardest thing I have ever quit but probably the most meaningful. I see a lot of other bloggers drop off...I hope they are just settling into their new lives as non-smokers. I will continue to blog on especially since I am sick and have a lot of time.
Peace,
Diva

Unfortunately, Still Sick even thought I am not smoking!

Hey all...well ok, hey at least a few people who manage to come by and read this from time to time. Man, these last two weeks have been hard! I started getting sick right after I got back from Mexico. I really appreciate the Chantix help the last couple of weeks. I am sick and under a lot of stress but even when the thought to smoke hits me, I realize how stupid the whole thing sounds. Yeah lets see...I have a really severe upper respiratory cold and it went from my head, ears and sinus to my throat and chest. I have athsma so I had to go get a breathing treatment, a chest X-Ray and a shot of steroids in the butt! Hopefully the steroids will help my voice come back. I am supposed to be on pretty much complete silence unless there is something I absolutly need to say.

Oh yes, what fun I was having in Urgent Scare tonite! Guess what my head's best solution to all this was? A Cigarette! !! No way, thats what I said to myelf. I quickly ran down all the reasons I quit. No wonder my addict mind has been addicted to these killers for so long. Nicotine is a drug! Cigarettes are simply a Nicotine delivery system. A damn good one at that considering the other four or five hundred chemicals they stick in there to make SURE you are good and DAMNED HOOKED!!! I like feeling that I have a choice and I just don't want to be hooked anymore. Before I felt that God himself was going to have to come down from the sky and pull those cigarettes out of my hand if I was ever going to stop. I don't feel that today. I feel like I have an actual choice and today I choose to be a non-smoker.

At the doctor's office it was weird having a chest X-ray. For a second I had to wonder, "Damn, what if something bad shows up?" As a smoker I always knew it was a possibility. Fortunatly, everything was fine. No phemonia, no strang things on the X-Ray that couldn't be accounted for. I know every day I don't smoke I increase the chances of having healthy lungs again. At least its something to strive for. Anyway, I am still off work. I hope all is good for everyone out there trying to quit. On-line support is the best!

Peace,
Diva

Laryngitis Sucks!

Hey All:
Lets see....I seem to be getting worse instead of getting better. I feel a little bit better physically but my voice is totally gone. I am going to work today but may need a few more days off to get my voice back. Wish me well. Anyone know any remedies to getting my voice back?
Peace,
Diva

PS: I am still a non-smoker even thought a really stressful situation made me feel like lighting up. I realized really quickly that smoking was not going to make my situation or my voice get any better.

Memories of a Pack a Day Smoker....

Hi there fellow quitters:

I never did the goodbye letter to tobacco thing but while I was reading Bab's Letter, I almost fell out laughing because as Nicotine addicts, we make excuses for the worst sort of nonsense. I love reading a blog that really hits home the insanity that we take part of just by smoking cigarettes. I realized that these blogs might be a good thing when I would log on and read about the craziness of other people's addiction and I relate because I did the same stuff just to get that nicotine rush. I remember when I read in Maggie's Blog about her not missing standing out in the wind and cold to suck down poison and I could so relate. I have put up with extreme rain, wind, heat and other extreme weather types just to feel that feeling of "normalcy" that smoking a cigarette gives a nicotine addict. If I could just put that type of energy into a new project, it would be extremely successful. Speaking of projects, my project for teaching about the Civil Rights Movement is almost due. Now that I am feeling better, I can put all that energy into the oral history interviews and lessons I need to create before the holidays are over. I have a feeling my progress will be good. I will be back to work tomorrow. Lets hope I am totally better.

Parliament Cigarettes, Cancer and Other Memories...
I have a lot of memories associated with smoking and the holidays. I was one of those kids who grew up in a typical late 60's to 70's household where most people smoked. My grandmother smoked some kind of weird cigarette in a blue and white package with a special filter tip on it called "Parliament" My grandfather smoked a pipe and cigars and my mom walked through the malls and supermarkets, always carrying a lit cigarette. I used to beg her to quit. People called cigarettes "cancer sticks" from the time I was old enough to remember. My dad, on the other hand had the sense enough not to smoke. He just married a smoker. I remember when I was about five or six years old and I decided to bury my Mother's beloved Marlboro cigarettes (she later switched to Benson and Hedges) in my sandbox in the backyard. Lets just say when mom was deep into her conversation on the telephone and reached for a new pack she must have realized that about six packs of cigarettes were missing. She started screaming and wanted to know where her cigarettes were. I of course tried to say that I didn't know where they were and leave it at that. I had no idea about the "Nicodemon" that possessed mom and later myself with the urge to kill yourself slowly by inhaling rat poison, window cleaner etc. Mom made me "find" those cigarettes immediately and fear of getting my rear-end beat made me comply.

When my mom was too busy to go to the store, she used to send me down the street to the liquor store with little hand written notes asking the store owner to sell me three packs of Benson and Hedges 100's. I soon realized that most of the store owners didn't really care all that much if they were selling cigarettes to minors. I became pretty much a pack a day smoker by the time I hit middle school. It has taken me this long to feel like maybe I will not die as a smoker. Some people are not even that lucky. My mom was only able to stop smoking when she found out that she had terminal cancer. She had cancer that was found in her lymph glands and spread to her lungs. I am not really sure of the order but by the time the tumors were identified, it was too late to save her. She died at 49 and everyone in the family realized that most of her illness was due to smoking. I think I was about 20 when she died. Even though I saw first hand what happens when a person smokes, I continued to smoke cigarettes. I have tried to quit throughout the years with little success. Lets see, I've been to like five smoking cessation groups, done the patch like four times, used the gum, Zyban and hypnotism. A person really has to WANT to quit no matter what method they use. I have always taken the easy way out and gone back to lighting up. I do not want to do that this time. I want to stay quit.

Nicotine is an amazing and highly addictive substance. Most people who use it know what it does and what they consequences of smoking are but they continue to use it anyway. I hope to God I stay quit this time. I love the picture in the banner of my blog. It reminds me that the Nicodemon is still there waiting for me with open claws. One or two cigarettes will lead me right back to a pack a day habit. Learning to avoid those situations will make me or break me. Chanitx has been great but I have to go off of it eventually. Hopefully, now that the cravings are getting less and less I will realize how much I have gained. I have saved about $270.00 since I quit and I am on my way to having healthier lungs. I hope all of you continue to be quitters along with me.
Peace,
Diva

30 Days on Chantix...19 Days Smoke and Nicotine Free!

I am still sick but I am feeling a lot better. I was reading Bab's good-bye letter to cigarettes and Phillip Morris. Funny, we both smoked Marlboro Lights and remember the Marlboro Miles campaign. http://rantingworld.blogspot.com/ Hang in there Babs! You can do it! I could relate to so much of her post it inspired me to write down memories of my own. I am in the process of working on it. I am off to pick up some pizza and watch reruns of "Flavor of Love' Peace out all.
Peace,
Diva